So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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