She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
