Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
