Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
