nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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