They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
