I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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