The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
