i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
