After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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