i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
well you can't waste a boner
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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