My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
