Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
