He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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