I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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