i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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