When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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