i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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