Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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