I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
