listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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