Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
