On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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