God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
