apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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