In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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