return my video game
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My dick has a subreddit
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
