just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
