Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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