I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
