Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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