I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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