my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
