He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
