In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
