Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
