I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
