I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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