so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
im holly from the hills drunk
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
