I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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