I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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