Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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