I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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