my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
