If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
