Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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