Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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