1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
