first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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