The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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