Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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