Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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