at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
