nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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