There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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