Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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