It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize