I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
