I wish I could punch you in the face.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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